Just when you thought it was safe to show your head, Chris Damm; The Loose Cannon returns to blow your frickin' head off!
For those who know how I write and what I do, buckle your seat belts it's gonna be a bumpy ride. For those who don't know...well, sit down, take your hands out of your pants and get ready to learn something.
So The Wrestling Reporters are back but we aren't the only return to make note of in 2012. Unless you were under a rock this past week, you saw on WWE programming the debut (hell, it's a damn return in my book) of "The Funkasaurus" Brodus Clay. Brodus came out wearing a throwback outfit tribute to RUN-DMC...I'm talking about a red ADIDAS style jump suit, a red hat and two RED HOT sexy dancers (Naomi and Cameron) and what does he come out...SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA which was last used by Ernest "The Cat" Miller...well scratch that it now belongs to The Funkasaurus. Now normally when the WWE pulls of things like this I barely react...positively BUT I came out of my seat when I heard the music and out came Brodus. He looked great, he lost some good weight and though he is still a big man, he moved like he was lighter weight. His moves, gyrations and verbalization (okay...for those of you with a substandard education; Gyrations = movements, verbalization = talking) reminded me of Dusty Rhodes back in the day. The thing that sent me over the moon to giving the WWE a thumbs up was the finisher for the Funkasaurus...the running cross body. Not only did he get up for it and made it look great, it made since to me that a 370 man launching himself into the air like a super-sized flesh missile could and would be a devastating move. So to WWE...I have to save they did a great job with Brodus and apparently the WWE Universe (McMahon Universe) loved the repackaging of Brodus Clay, he was trending world wide on Twitter after his appearance (well that may not mean everyone liked him but we will go with that anyway) talked about on Facebook and featured on WWE.Com with an after match segment. NOW...let's see how long it takes for WWE to mess up a good thing. SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA!
I guess I should give a mention to a couple of returns in WWE both which have me shaking my head. The return of the Masked Monster Kane...I liked it. (I always liked the masked Kane) what I did not understand at first was why was he going after John Cena. Then I sat down with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cigar as the realization came to me. Kane was the last in a line of individuals brought in to capitalize on the "CENA SUCKS...RISE ABOVE THE HATE" adventure that we have been living with FOREVER! Now I am not a total idiot I know WWE is playing one end against the other to make money. The WWE Universe who love to hate Cena spend their money to share that with everyone just like the WWE Universe who love him do the same. Several legends of the WWE have urged Cena to deal with the "dark side" with all the hate from those who hate him but the smiling John Cena continues to remain loyal and true (reminds me of my dog Blue. Loyal and true til the day I had him put to sleep) defending everyone's right to love or hate him while vowing to never change. And then comes the monster...KANE who wants Cena to embrace the hate...blah blah blah blah blah BLAH! Just so EVERYONE KNOWS...neither John Cena nor WWE care if you hate Cena...especially if you are watching their programming, going to their shows and buying their merchandise. When the money stops they will care...but digress. Kane returns...or as they say RESURRECTED...to keep things interesting until Wrestlemania...making people think that...OOOH Maybe Cena will become a villian...(News Flash: He began as a villian so it's no big stretch). I'm glad Kane...the Masked Kane is back as for what they are doing with him...No So Much!
And THEN THERE'S JERICHO! SOOOOOOO we are supposed to believe that all the cryptic promos were to herald the return of Jericho (I still don't believe it...it doesn't fit to my mind). So He comes out like a rock star, brings the crowd to it's feet and then after long minutes and crazy fans cheering...he turns and leaves and the WWE Universe are stunned into confusion. The next week he comes out to the same fanfare, the same crowd reaction but this time he gets sooooo emotional that he can't speak and leaves in tears. The WWE Universe are stunned into confusion...again. To the WWE Universe who reacted I have three words for you...DANCE MONKEY, DANCE! It's GREAT to have the maestro...Chris Jericho back and I can't wait until next week for another edition of Chris Jericho's new show "DANCE MONKEY, DANCE!"
Now, I am not really big on WWE and The Hogan/Bischoff TNA: IMPACT WRESTLING gets on my nerves at times. I do appreciate the fact that TNA is not subscribing to the PG ratings like WWE is currently doing. I have said it before and I will say it again...WWE is now boutique wrestling. It's where the elite in entertainment come to be seen. To rub elbows with WWE Superstars. WWE has sports entertainers...Sports Entertainers??? So there is a Sports Entertainers School? Okay, whatever. TNA, does give us more than a PG rating...they definitely are keeping the censors on their toes they have their share of God Damns, Shits, Motherfuckers and such that just barely get clipped by the infamous [BLEEP] from the censors. So TNA does...in it's crazy way...tries to stay true to the term professional wrestling and not sports entertainment. For the record, every sport is sports entertainment. If you are watching your favorite sport and you are entertained...well need I say more? But the NFL doesn't call it's players...Sports Entertainers, they are football players. The NBA has basketball players, Major League Baseball has baseball players...I think you get the point, unless you live in SC, NC, VA, GA, ALABAMA, MISSISSIPPI, WVA, MD...so to the WWE...when you took the F out you also took the wrestling out. I say put the wrestling back and get the sports entertainment the FUCK OUT!
OKAY, let me take a sip of Jack. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH satisfied! Now the big news for me is on the independent circuit (where real professional wrestlers live, breath and roam) in North Carolina. For those of you who know. I use to do a column for Power Pro Wrestling based out of Sanford, NC. I enjoyed it, even though I had run ins with Dick Foley and the Power Pro Wrestling Management at times. Power Pro Wrestling was that promotion that wrestlers wanted to be a part of. For six years PPW...formerly known as AWA Power Pro Wrestling...made wrestling history and featured the best in professional wrestling [What? Did someone say PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING?]. When Power Pro Wrestling suspended operations the world continued to turn but it didn't seem to turn as fast as it use to. The sun still rose but it didn't seem as bright. Cats and dogs started living together, black became white and white became black. Well things are getting back to normal as Power Pro Wrestling has returned to full operations. Now there are still some questions such as who is actually in charge of Power Pro Wrestling? Is this a reorganization? To get to the bottom of this I attempted to contact former Power Pro Wrestling General Manager, Michael Devine. I have set up a One on One interview between us to discuss Power Pro Wrestling and its return. I also hope to conduct an interview with Power Pro Wrestling's Owner, Dick Foley. Once I have completed these interviews they will be posted here for all of your to read (for those of you who can't read...find someone to read it to you before you take your nappy nap).
THAT'S ALL FOLKS! Feel free to leave comments about this report and in mean while remember this;
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt. SOOOOO KEEP YOUR TRAP TIGHTLY SHUT, FOOL!"
Chris Damm
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